T______T

I feel like shit all the time. When I'm at home, I feel like shit. When I'm out, I feel like shit.. I think just sit at the doorstep la. Even at the doorstep I feel like shit. When I eat I feel like shit, when I look into the mirror, lagilah I feel like shit. But there's only one time I don't feel like shit. It's bedtime. Mum says I'm too free, and the rest of my friends say I stay at home too much. What am I gonna do?? When I'm at home, I don't feel like studying, I'm feeling like that since the past 2 weeks. That basically means I haven't been studying for 2 straight weeks. Actually nola, I did read 3 pages of financial accounting and 4 pages of law. I remember cos it's past year questions. And when I'm out, I'm worry about studies. I feel like going out but I don't feel like living home. Oxymoron.

Almost everything make me feel like shit. I know la, cannot be healed. Aih.. Gotta live with it. Someone once wrote something to me. "Everyone has his BURDEN.. What counts is how you CARRY it!" Yeah, I know I'm no different from a piece of shit. That line, very true but it didn't help. I'm extremely afraid of failing exams but I can't focus. It has been so many years since I last felt like that. I was from 5. That time I didn't know how to study and pass physics anymore until I'm so afraid to go sit for the exam in school (thank God it's not SPM). In the end I still went and I still failed, the only time I passed physics was SPM though. I will never forget the moment when my physics teacher announced "Semua lulus Fizik kecuali Gwynne Kong!" I really felt so embarrast. That explains how stupid I am when it comes to something that requires full understanding and numbers. That's how I felt each time I tried to study financial accounting. Terrible! Horrible!

Anyway, about Adam Lambert. He's so perfect to me. Very charming. He has talent too, nice voice and he can reach an amazingly high note as a guy. Go listen "What Do You Want From Me" or American Idol 2009 if you want prove! The fact that he's a gay attracts me more. I like you because you are gay, Adam, and I like you more because you are proud of it!!!! He's the hottest gay anyway! =D Now I know how it feels like to have an idol. 3 of his songs are stucked in my head "What Do You Want From Me", "For Your Entertainment" and "If I Had You". I'm crazy!! I watched this 3 music videos for, I don't know how many times and I'll still be watching them. I like him so much but I know I'll never own him. NEVER! He can influence me, for example to wear eyeliner. That's idol. That's how it feels. It's not a good thing but what to do, I'm in!! Now I want his album. Crap, I'm back to teenage life! So now all the high school stuffs came back!

Life . Dream . Hope .

No life, no dream, no hope.
No meaningful life, no dream came through, nothing to hope.

Why still alive? No guts to commit suicide.
Why no guts to commit suicide? Not sure about ending up in heaven.
First reason to stay alive?? Get conformation about ending up in heaven.
Second reason to stay alive? Living for others.
Why living for others? Received too much, need to pay back.

If that is so, it's really miserable.
Die cannot, don't die cannot. Plain torture!!

Adam Lambert

I'm in love with Adam Lambert ever since I watched his latest music video, "If I had You". The fact that he's a gay doesn't bother me at all. I watched videos regarding his interviews. I was trying to find evidence from him and I found! "I'm gay and I'm very comfortable with it....". I'm impressed!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bETvh7slAQQ&feature=rec-LGOUT-exp_fresh+div-1r-6-HM (at 1:31)

Homosexuality isn't an issue to me. Maybe last time, now not anymore. Really. It's their choice, I don't have the right to comment. He's wild but so what?? I don't get goosebumps when I see pictures of Adam Lambert kissing a guy, I was like, "WOW" instead. It's all in our head. If we wanna "yer", then it'll turn out to be "yer".

He looks so soooo sexy with eyeliner. The power of makeup! I never liked guys in eyeliner, so I guess eyeliner loves him. If one day anyone of you bumped into me and realized that I'm wearing eyeliner, you know why la! hhaaha!!

Happy Birthday Min Ee!!

Hello.. I would like to dedicate this birthday post to a very very very good friend of mine, Min Ee.

It's her 22nd birthday this year today but we celebrated for her yesterday. It dinner wasn't a surprise but it became a surprise cos she didn't know Jin Tat, Stephen, and Wee Ping will turn up! It's a last minute thing but I'm glad that they made it, without them things wouldn't be that good! We had korean food in Daorae, taipan!

I like this friend very very much. Her kindness level is way too high. I'm really blessed to be her friend. I have too much to say until I don't know what to say. You know, I know can already, right Minee???? =D

So I'll let the pictures do the talking. And of course, I curi-ed the pictures from facebook. Enjoy!!!

1st cake for the night, during the dinner.

I guess he's Doerae's boss.

2nd cake for the night.

 See, she was surprised!!!!! Mission accomplished.

*THE END*

MOnday Blues

I'm in a dilemma.. Can't decide on whether to volunteer for PD lifegame. There's too much for me to catch in my studies, especially financial accounting. Being a volunteer means I have to be at PD one day earlier than the participants, which makes it 5 days. I can't stop thinking about my exam and how am I going to make it for this paper. I called up a few of them for advice and finally I decided not to go. Today I didn't revise anything, I wasn't in the mood. So I decided to finish up the dvd series that I have been watching, Moonlight Resonance. Yes, I know it had been out for years but what to do? People like me don't have astro at home. No matter is it part 1 (Heart Of Greed) or part 2 (Moonlight Resonance), it's still that GOOD!!! I feel like watching the whole series one more time but I guess I don't have that much time to waste, since it has 40 episodes for part 2. Even though the whole series consists of 40 episodes but I don't find it draggy at all. I love so so much, either part 1 or 2, because no matter what happened, it still ended well. =D I dislike sad endings though.

Anyway, I have 2 more classes to go, tomorrow and wednesday. Time flies and I feel like it's getting faster. No matter how scared and worry, we still have to face everything that's coming because that's all about life. I went to church yesterday and I'm really thankful for our dear cult pastor in lifegame, Mr Hong Sheng. haha!!! He's been so nice to offer me a ride to church and back home. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!! Although I don't feel nice taking people's favour but I'm really grateful for his kindness! Thank God so much!!

Giving is better than receiving. But I'm receiving more that I'm able to give. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I afraid to receive anymore. I wanna do something for those who have done so much for me but how?? If I'm gonna buy a gift or make something, I don't know what they like, not all but most of them. People always say "it's the heart that matters" but I think having the heart is not eveyrthing. So what if I have the heart but I end up getting them something they dislike? What's the point of it? The last time I wanna bake cookies for someone as a token of appreciation but it didn't turn out well, very disappointing. I did it twice and I failed twice. And I don't have the time to bake now, at least not until the end of November. But don't worry, I have my plans!! =)

Sometimes I feel like I'm complaining too much in my blog. But what to do? Since I have decided not to complain so much to my friends, then blog shall be my alternative. If anyone of you is gonna read and find me annoying, don't read la. That simple. That's it for today!

Adios!

The Truth

Today's service is in the new building. Immanuel came down from Malacca and SJAOG is the first church he visited and he sat beside me!! Feel so honoured. =) my socializing skills are getting worse each day. I was really happy when I saw him entering the door, but didn't know what to say. I guess it's because I asked everything that I had to asked and knew everything that I had to know through facebook. That's why la, because of facebook things became so weird. Hmph! Anyway, "Welcome to the House of God Immanuel"!!!

Honestly, I'm losing my confidence in church. I don't feel the sense of belonging in church anymore. The bond no longer exists. I feel like a stranger each time I stepped into a church that I have been attending all these while. I only feel comfortable with a few of them. Someone told me "just open your mouth and talk your way in". How to talk like a family member when I feel like a stranger?? Or I'm the problem? Whatever. What's worst is I cannot drive to church, so I had to tumpang up and down. It's very very embarassing to ask for favour all the time. I feel like shit each time I had to call up or text my friends to ask for transport. Now I'm too embarrast to even accept someone's offer! Everytime I think of it I feel like hiding under my bed! T______T

I really have the passion for all the people that feel left out. I want to be there for them but I don't know where to start. I just gotta accept the fact that, "either you can be seen or you are transparent". If I have a choice I really really don't want to stay in the developed city. I told mum that I wanna go work in Malacca once I graduate, since I like that place so much and I have relatives there. But she told me that the pay there is lower but the living expenses is about the same in KL. I don't really care about the pay, I only hope that life can be a bit simpler. I wonder how am I gonna survive in future. I really gotta trust God and walk by faith.